“When I was about six years old I received an essential teaching from an old woman sitting in the sun. I was walking by her house one day feeling lonely, unloved, and mad, kicking anything I could find. Laughing, she said to me, “Little girl, don’t you go letting life harden your heart.” Right there, I received this pith instruction: we can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice.” - Pema Chödrön
I’ve recently lived through something incredibly traumatic and heart breaking. There are people to blame, and I am one of them. There were copious amount of drugs involved. The people involved were under the influence, but still wholly responsible.
I was put in an uncomfortable situation, where I felt violated, and my personal boundaries were disregarded. My fears were manifesting right before me, and it felt like the world was crumbling at my feet. I retaliated in violence, it shocks me to even write this now. At the time it felt right, it felt like it was tit for tat, an eye for an eye. I broke precious things, I shattered glasses, like a wild animal in distress, it was equally satisfying and horrific. I got into a physical altercation, resulting in small cuts and bruises. Things were said that can never be unsaid, the dark aspects of the souls emerged, in full power, and caused havoc and destruction. It was a tragedy, and it is something I, and those involved, will have to live with forever.
I will not get into the details yet, perhaps in a later post. I am still processing what happened, and facing the consequences.
We have chosen to open the path to reconciliation and healing. We have acknowledged our parts in the tragedy, and we are exploring how we can move past this, and learn from this. We have exposed each other to the ugliest, most volatile, most vindictive parts of ourselves. There is no going back now, and nothing will ever be the same, but diamonds are formed under extreme heat and pressure and growth happens during the most difficult times. This can strengthen us or tear us apart, even if our intentions are to move forward and mend, only time will tell how this unfolds. I can only pray for the highest good, and even though this was excruciating, I know in my heart this was for the soul evolution of all involved.
There is a part of me that wants to hold on to the rage, because I feel justified in doing so. Unfortunately, there is comfort in victimhood, because you give the power to another, and the idea that it was out of our control, and it happened to us, is easier to swallow. It is then easier to place blame on another and cause them pain. However, identifying as the victim, and wanting another person to suffer, is not healing, it is not of the light, and it stems from fear and our desire to control. We think that if we keep this person at fault, they will bend to our will or else they will be judged as a vile human being. This is a form of emotional and energetic slavery.
We all know, no one is perfect, we try and suffocate our demons until the perfect storm comes and all hell breaks loose. Inside we are ugly, jealous, and full of revenge, but we are also beautiful, generous, and full of love. We are all of these things, we are here to experience all of these things, and we must try all the time to process these emotions with grace and clarity. And when we can’t, when the emotions are overwhelming and we are out of control, it means have more work to do. You can take it that we failed, this was a test and we failed miserably, that’s okay. But it doesn’t mean that we accept it as who we are, we must only accept it as a moment where we did not act from our highest truth, and we will always have the chance to do better and be better.
Resolution will come not from hardening the heart, but softening it. This does not mean putting up with any sort of disrespect or mistreatment, it is up to you when enough is enough, and you know when you must cut the cord. But when there is sincerity, and an intention to forgive, love and understand, and a true desire to heal from all involved, then there is an opportunity for redemption. We must decide to face our fears, and listen to them. Our fears affect us most when they stay hidden, and sometimes they manifest in destructive ways. As we extend love and kindness to a friend in turmoil, we must do the same for our fears for they usually stem from our inner child. We have to talk about it, we have to bring it to the light. In doing so, we become kinder, more loving, and more compassionate to others who have their own fears and traumas to heal, but most importantly we become that to ourselves.